Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
