My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
