fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
