the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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