I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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