tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
