my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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