Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
