No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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