I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need a beard to bite.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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