Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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