i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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