I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
