carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
