Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
