what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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