You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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