Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
