Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
