he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
