I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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