omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
