I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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