I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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