i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We need to get me chipped asap
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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