I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I need to sanitize my soul.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
