There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
