Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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