Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
