I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
