also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it's like heaven, but drunker
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
