I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
