allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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