did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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