If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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