Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
