I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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