I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
