I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
