I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
