My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
