i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
