her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Life is so much better after having sex.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
