Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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