You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
