wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
