I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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