why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
