Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
