i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
