o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
