I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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