I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
